Hot. Mean. Smart. Fancy.

by Julian M. Stern

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price


I mighta had too many shots a' this whiskey Cuz I been missin' on this little miss I used to be kissin Now I'm pissin' off a balcony? Blame it on the alc in me I been turning bourbon to swervin' like this is alchemy I'm falcony. What do you mean, you haven't heard that word? I'm sayin falcony, you know, like I'm gonna turn to a bird With the power that the Andalites gave me I could be a cow even, I could be a baby, maybe. Oh, I never mentioned I'm an animorph? Protecting earth in an interplanetary war? Takin' the form of different creatures from around the world? That doesn't matter cuz I'm tryna tell you bout a girl! She took my heart and decimated it. Berated it, My soul was strong but now it's faded and- Oh, you're still thinking about the animorphs thing? No, that- yeah, that's fine. Let's get that, ah, out of the way. Yes, I'm an Animorph, it's dope as shit. My battle morph is a panther and it's so legit. I've killed seven Taxxon, two Hork-Bajir And I'll never let a yeerk get into my ear The coolest morph that I acquired was a dinosaur But I was kinda sore because I cannot travel time no more So I lost it. No, I've never met a Visser. Can I talk about my girl now? For real, I miss her. We met first on a Thursday. I was thirs-tay from the moment I heard her say, "Hey, boo. Can I change you for the better?" I'm like, "J, you better do whatever you gotta to get her." Cuz she was clearly one of a kind. I was nearly out of my mind, just tryna stay on my grind. Impressin' her turned into undressin' her turned into tryna erase anything that was stressin' her. We did it all together. We had a ball together, we hit the mall together. We morphed into caterpillars, got small together. Flirtin' through thoughtspeak while we would crawl together. Oh. Yeah, she's an animorph also. But that's not relevant to my heartbreak at all, so... I'ma keep flowin' bout the breakup. If I answered all your questions, really think about how much time that would take, ugh, Fine, she's an Animorph and I am too. Do we fuck as different animals? Of course we do. Well, of course we did. If you would listen to the kid, You'd know that me and the lady are fuckin' hittin' the skids. I feel like I'm trapped in this body. I can't take it no more. No, I've never met Tobias, that dude who's trapped in a morph. But I'm tight with the others. Cassie, Marco, Rachel, and Jake. Those are my real friends. They would never be this fake. Look. I'ma give you one last chance to let me vent and try to get over this done romance. But if you ask me any Axe questions, I might just kick your ass into the last dimension. The one that I was chillin' in when fillin' in for Toby You know, the leader of the free Hork-Bajir? Well, now she owes me. Cuz she got injured. She got herself in a knee brace. And asked if I would mind runnin' this errand through Z-Space. I mean, it's fine cuz I'm a nice guy. Plus, she's got a nice ride. One a' those Yeerk-made Blade ships? Those things can fuckin' fly. Hoold on, you did it again. Got me on a anima-tangent, man, I thought we were friends, dammit! Fine, I'm over this shit. All outta anger. I'm headin' back to Angel Grove cuz I'm also a Power Ranger.
Every day, I wake up and I check on my twitter I put a pic on my gram. I send a text to my sister I take a look at my snaps to see what everybody’s doin And I’m not ashamed of this—why? Cuz everybody’s doin it 
And everything we do has you in it Way before we were technologically fluent, it’s hard to overstate your whole impact on the world Like how it’s hard to make a phone call now or talk to a girl In person. Cuz what are words if I can’t see the letters? Why say “I love you” when I-L-Y-S-M is better It’s more efficient. Way easier to type. More cheeky non-committal in case we get in a fight And I wouldn’t have this knowledge or be the way I am If I hadn’t spent those early years on AIM So you might be gone today. But you touched all of society And you’ll live on forever in all my social anxiety This isn’t goodbye You’re just away from my computer for sometime. On invisible, but all around me. And even though I hate this part The shout outs in the profile of my heart say A I M… gonna miss you
 You took me from buddieless to Buddy Lists Helped me cheat on tests so I could study less Gave me the strength to talk to all those cool kids who Made me nervous Cuz confidence didn’t come too easily To a little pudgy boy whose face was made too greasily So I think the most important one of all of your lessons was to separate the human from the online presence Now, every time I’ve got the strength of a keyboard And the shield of a screen writin’ anonymous retorts I feel like a king, executing peasants I’ve never met This anonymity that you gave me is heaven-sent So yeah, you might be gone. But every time I tell a stranger online they’re wrong There’s a little bit a you at my heartstrings pulley-ing Cuz you’re gonna live forever in all of my cyber bullying This isn’t goodbye You’re just away from my computer for sometime. On invisible, but all around me. And even though I hate this part The shout outs in the profile of my heart say A I M… gonna miss you Every time I tweet, Every time I post Every time that I text, Every time that I ghost Every time I socially stalk someone but then see ‘em in public and don’t really talk, come on You made us the monsters we are/ Nobody else’ll fuck us up this much ‘cept maybe VR But it’s not really your fault, the internet’s start was wild And I’ll never forget that you made me a SmarterChild


Hi, I'm Julian.

The album you're about to download and listen to (right now! Otherwise you'll forget! Don't save this tab for later, you never get to those things!) was recorded on the fly, with love, in a makeshift venue when the original venue was canceled 10 hours before the show(!!!).

You will hear me talk about such fun topics as a specific death in my family, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, fancy watches, and a woman who had too many ducks. I may even perform a couple songs. Don't worry, it's all a buncha fun.

Quick note: You may notice that it sounds a bit different than a typical stand-up album, and that's because the audience isn't teeechnically mic'd, because we weren't teeechnically planning on putting this out as an album.

*But* we did extensive testing and test listeners reported that they thought it was "not a problem" or even "less distracting" without that annoying, overbearing audience.

ANYWAY, I've already said too much, so here's the TLDR:

I recorded some comedy for you to have. I hope you enjoy it.




released February 16, 2018

Executive Producers: Samee Junio, Julian M. Stern

"Hork-Bajir & Heartbreak"
Lyrics by Julian M. Stern
Beat produced by letsruntrack

Lyrics by Julian M. Stern
Beat produced by Dizzla D Music

Special thanks to: Kristen Layden, Jon Zucker, Stephen Sanow, Mike Glazer, Julian Vargas, Trent Boorman, Anna Horvai, Edward Devoney Jr., Ronnie Devoney, Mollie K.A. Stern, Drake, DJ Khaled, and Mr. Badger.


all rights reserved



Julian M. Stern Los Angeles, California

contact / help

Contact Julian M. Stern

Streaming and
Download help

Report this album or account

If you like Julian M. Stern, you may also like: